I love this kid, I truly do. This week she has taken to waking up at 6am, adjusting her eyes, then giving the biggest smile evah! Then it's talk time.She tries her best to have a conversation with me. I'm in love! That's all :-)
~JmJsMom
Good Hair: Not In This House
I just finished watching a rerun of the Tyra Show about "Good Hair". It really broke my heart. So many mothers on the show were placing their own insecurities onto their daughters. I felt bad for one mother/daughter duo in particular. The mom was white and her daughter was biracial. The mother put a relaxer and weave in her daughters hair (I believe the little girl was about 8 or 9), but unbeknownst to her, the daughter didn't like it. The mom said her daughter had never told her that before. She just wanted her daughters hair to be "nice" and basically, manageable instead of spending hours trying to do it. That mother is missing out on so much. I understand that working through our natural coils can be frustrating, but it is a great bonding experience for a mother and her daughter.
Nothing can replace the time when my mother use to do my hair herself instead of sending me to the hair salon. She would sit me in the kitchen on a chair while the pressing comb heated up on the stove. Then section by section she would straighten my hair, then put the soft spongy rollers in my hair so that it would have some sort of style to it the next morning. There were also the times when she would place pillows on the floor so that I could sit between her legs as she detangled my hair, put it in ponytail holders, and twist or plait each section adding barrettes or beads to the end. Yes, it took hours, but I would talk my mothers ears off during the process and she would respond with laughter or by asking me questions. Nothing can replace that. That is such a special time.
Trust me, I know doing natural hair can often times not be easy. My mother ended up putting a kid relaxer in my hair when I was about 6 years old. My hair was curly, but as soon as humidity hit it (which DC has a lot of) POOF it went. That didn't look cute to my mother. The lady that sported a fro in the 70s didn't think it was so cute on her kid, so I got relaxed. Everything was all good until I was about 10 years old and my beautician left a relaxer on my hair too long. It not only damaged my hair, but it damaged my scalp. Til this day it is hard for me to get the front and sides of my hair to grow at all! My bangs are just past the tip of my nose and you have no idea how many years (yes, years!) it took my hair to get to that point! But I digress. My mother herself would get her hair done every two weeks, getting a relaxer every 6-8 weeks. She wasn't an expert at doing a kids hair so she did what she saw best to do.
One thing I am happy about is the fact that I decided to go natural almost two years ago. I hate getting my hair done. Abhor it. So going to the salon to get a relaxer every 8 weeks killed me. Before you knew it, I was only going like twice a year. By that time my hair simply stopped taking relaxers. It would never be straight, it would just relax my hair into waves. So, I said forget it and gave up relaxers. The journey of learning my hair has been a bumpy ride, but I honestly never wanted to give up, only improve. Now I have a routine for my natural hair. I know what needs to be done to it for it to be healthy and this makes me happy. It makes me happy because learning the patience to deal with my hair has made me confident that I will have the patience to deal with Hannie's hair.
I have zero plans of putting a relaxer in Hannie's hair. If she ever gets one it will be when she's of age (probably around 16) and strictly her choice. I am going to do what I can to make sure that she loves her natural hair, understands it, bonds with it, and has some clue as to how to style it. When I was pregnant with Johanna I thought there was a great chance that she would be a bald baby because I kind of was, so I was prepared. I had the headbands packed in the diaper bag so that folks would know she was a girl just in case she was born like me. I just had thin peach fuzz that was blond O_o. However, Hannie took after her father and had a head full of hair when she was born. I must admit that I cringed so hard whenever someone would say "look at that curly hair!". I hate hate hated the fact that the focus was on her hair. Everyone is inlove with her hair right now, but what about when it "turns". Her real hair texture won't come in until she's about 1 or 2. What are folks gonna have to say then? I cringed when I was a little girl and aunt's would say "you have a good grade of hair". I don't know why I did, but it just didn't make me feel good. It was said as if it was something to proud of, but I didn't understand why. It's just hair, right? I don't want Johanna's hair to define who she is. I want it to be healthy, I want her to take care of it, but I don't want it to be a burden for her.
I'm on a mission to raise a confident young lady. I don't want to put any of my baggage on her no matter what it is. I don't plan to force her to stay natural, or be pissed if she gets a relaxer. I want her to be the best, most authentic Johanna she can be. The world is already going to judge her; I'm determined that she won't have to face that in her own home. The term "good hair" won't be used in my household and if I hear someone else say it to her, I'll make sure to educate them on why that term isn't appropriate to use with her. Everything about her is good no matter what. Even when she's screaming like she's lost her mind she's still good, even though her behavior is not (I try to tell her this but she doesn't care, she just keeps screaming, le sigh). If she ever has self esteem issues I'm just determined to make it so that it doesn't stem from what mommy and daddy are saying at home.
~JMJsMom
My Birth Story Part III: Feels Like Death
Saturday morning I woke up settling into the feeling of being a mom. Everything was good...sort of. See, my breathing was a little off. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I just assumed that I felt that way because I wasn't use to walking around yet, so of course it would be difficult to br4eathe easy! Well, it got bad enough that I finally told the nurse excuse me, I can't breathe. At the same time the nurses told me that there may be something wrong with Johanna's heart, a murmur. By then I'm freaking out. It's 10am and I'm calling Jonathan in tears. I can't breathe and somethings wrong with the baby. By the time he makes his way to the hospital I'm on oxygen. My breathing had dropped from 99% to 70% O_o. Everything was out of whack. My blood pressure was sky high, I couldn't breathe, they didn't know what was wrong. Things are pretty much a blur but my oxygen level kept decreasing, only holding steady at about 77%. Finally they called a doctor in because I was gonna have to go to ICU. The doctor wanted to put some kind of tube in my neck. I.freaked.out. Not because he was about to cut into my neck, but because this fool wanted to remove the oxygen mask while he did it. I'm sorry, excuse me, but didn't we just discuss how I can't breathe??? You want to do what??? And then he made me lie on my side and put a plastic cover up over my face. I CAN'T BREATHE!!! WHO THINKS THIS IS A GOOD IDEA??? OMG *faints*. I nearly jumped off the table. I couldn't. I also couldn't believe hubby wanted to stay and watch. That lets me know that he was really afraid for my life.
Eventually they rolled me downstairs and I had all kinds of medicines pumped in me. Come to find out I was going into heart failure smh. It made zero sense. I went from being just fine to heart failure just like that. Tomika was there, but I couldn't talk to her. All of my concentration was on trying to breathe because even with the oxygen I was still struggling. I had yet another catheter, some drips, antibiotics, blah blah blah. I almost gave up. I truly started to remove the mask from my face and just say forget it, let me die. I was so tired of trying to breathe. I've never had to fight to breathe before. I honestly thought to myself that Johanna would be fine because she had Jon and that was that. Then my Aunt walked to the glass window and she looked done. Immediately I felt bad. My mom was in one hospital dying and here I was in another dying. It's then that I snapped out of it and decided I couldn't do this to her, Jon, or Johanna.
My nurses were so concerned. My nurse from labor and delivery followed me down to the ICU and wouldn't let me out of her site. My nurse in ICU was so concerned that as soon as his shift started the next morning he came straight to my room. I was so scared to go to sleep that night, but I finally did. By morning my vitals were looking much better and my nurse was able to take me back to L&D. He told me he never wanted to see me again and I told him the same lol. All was good...then here comes Tuesday...
I couldn't breathe again! So here we are again with the oxygen and more tests. It was finally decided that there wasn't a blood clot in my lungs but still more fluid so they gave me medicine to help with that. During this whole ordeal I had 3 blood transfusions. I lost so much blood during delivery that they said I'll never be normal again, so they were just trying to get me up and going again smh.
This is what happened. My body was carrying so much amniotic fluid that my heart was working super hard. It was having a difficult time regulating my fluid and the amniotic fluid. It was pumping so hard, some of the fluid was going into my lungs along with blood (I was spitting up blood that saturday). That was super scary. They did do all the tests in the world to make sure my heart was ok, and it was in good straight and very strong. Praise Jesus for that.
By tuesday night I was able to breathe but my blood pressure was still high so I still wasn't able to leave the hospital.
Wednesday broke my heart. I lost my mom that Wednesday. She never got the chance to hold Johanna, but thanks to my aunt she got a chance to see her via picture. It hurt that i couldn't see her or be with her, but God has been carrying me through. I wish I was able to experience this with her, but I'm not the first person to lose their mom during a time like this, so I kinow I'll make it through.
That Thursday Jo Jo Bean (thanks for the nickname Mare) and I were released, woohoo! Since then it's been nothing but weird sleep schedules, bottles galore, and stinky diapers with a few smiles, giggles, and bonding thrown in. I love it! Being a mom is totally the bees knees!
~JMJsMom
Eventually they rolled me downstairs and I had all kinds of medicines pumped in me. Come to find out I was going into heart failure smh. It made zero sense. I went from being just fine to heart failure just like that. Tomika was there, but I couldn't talk to her. All of my concentration was on trying to breathe because even with the oxygen I was still struggling. I had yet another catheter, some drips, antibiotics, blah blah blah. I almost gave up. I truly started to remove the mask from my face and just say forget it, let me die. I was so tired of trying to breathe. I've never had to fight to breathe before. I honestly thought to myself that Johanna would be fine because she had Jon and that was that. Then my Aunt walked to the glass window and she looked done. Immediately I felt bad. My mom was in one hospital dying and here I was in another dying. It's then that I snapped out of it and decided I couldn't do this to her, Jon, or Johanna.
My nurses were so concerned. My nurse from labor and delivery followed me down to the ICU and wouldn't let me out of her site. My nurse in ICU was so concerned that as soon as his shift started the next morning he came straight to my room. I was so scared to go to sleep that night, but I finally did. By morning my vitals were looking much better and my nurse was able to take me back to L&D. He told me he never wanted to see me again and I told him the same lol. All was good...then here comes Tuesday...
I couldn't breathe again! So here we are again with the oxygen and more tests. It was finally decided that there wasn't a blood clot in my lungs but still more fluid so they gave me medicine to help with that. During this whole ordeal I had 3 blood transfusions. I lost so much blood during delivery that they said I'll never be normal again, so they were just trying to get me up and going again smh.
This is what happened. My body was carrying so much amniotic fluid that my heart was working super hard. It was having a difficult time regulating my fluid and the amniotic fluid. It was pumping so hard, some of the fluid was going into my lungs along with blood (I was spitting up blood that saturday). That was super scary. They did do all the tests in the world to make sure my heart was ok, and it was in good straight and very strong. Praise Jesus for that.
By tuesday night I was able to breathe but my blood pressure was still high so I still wasn't able to leave the hospital.
Wednesday broke my heart. I lost my mom that Wednesday. She never got the chance to hold Johanna, but thanks to my aunt she got a chance to see her via picture. It hurt that i couldn't see her or be with her, but God has been carrying me through. I wish I was able to experience this with her, but I'm not the first person to lose their mom during a time like this, so I kinow I'll make it through.
That Thursday Jo Jo Bean (thanks for the nickname Mare) and I were released, woohoo! Since then it's been nothing but weird sleep schedules, bottles galore, and stinky diapers with a few smiles, giggles, and bonding thrown in. I love it! Being a mom is totally the bees knees!
~JMJsMom
My Birth Story Part II: Dazed and Confused
I had all hopes that the epidural would be easy breezy, but that thing hurt like a &%*#$!!! It was the most uncomfortable and painful thing I had ever felt. I am mentally scarred and petrified to get one in the future. In fact, I still have pain sometimes at the site of the epidural smh.
Anywho, they gave me the epidural, then I freaked out. I couldn't feel my legs. Scariest.thing.evah! I don't like being that out of control. When Jonathan came in he asked me what was wrong...everything! The epidural sucked, I couldn't feel my legs, they were about to cut into me. Boo hiss boo.I'm laying down on the table and they put up the sheet. Hubby is eagerly waiting. I, on the other hand, am dry heaving! The epi was making me sick! They had to get me a pan to throw up in (which I didn't) and pump me with anti-nausea medicine, then they started the procedure. Everythign was going fine until I started blacking out a little. Then they cut me on the right side and I could feel it. I was so loopy that I had to slowly and steadily say my words "I can feel that!". After saying that 3 times hubbs assured me that the anestheseologist(sp?) was pumping me full of medicine. Then...I black out. I'm out, just done.Periodically I come to and I hear words like "this is impossible" and "fibroid". At one point I open my eyes and see the anes...yeah, that person...pulling a rope that's connected to some tool inside of me and the doctor is yelling for him to pull harder. He was now atleast 10ft behind me pulling O_o. I gladly passed back out at that point. The next time I come to I here "got her!" then I hear a little person le sigh. She le sighed! She's mine :~) Out again I go. I open my eyes and they are holding this white baby upside down. I said "Jonathan...Jonathan...why is she so white?" I have no clue what he said because I passed back out. Moments later he's saying my name and shaking me because they were showing me the baby. I say "Hi Johanna" and then knock back out. The next time I come to I'm in recovery and we have visitors! Jonathan's mom and sister Angie was there, BIL Larry, my Aunt Lola and my babies godmother Tomika. He took them to the nursery to see the new bundle of joy:
Later his father stopped by and they finally brought the baby in. I held her and looked at her, but I was missing the connection. I was way too drugged. After awhile they finally wheeled me to my room for the night. I had to stay in the observation room because of my c-section. The way Jonathan explained it is this: My bag of water was huge! There was water everywhere when they broke it. I lost a lot of blood. The doctor was sliding around in it *shudders*. They got rid of one of my fibroids because they could get to the baby for it being in the way. However, just like I did to my mom, Johanna went high up in my side and they had a really hard time reaching her (hence the anes...pulling the rope). Apparently I had a really bad and awkward incision so they wanted to monitor me.
Now, we get in the room and the nurses have to press on my stomach/pelvis. No one tells you this before you have a baby. That is now officially the worse pain I've ever felt. I imagine it hurts when you've had a vaginal delivery but my God! I just had a horrid c-section! It hurt so bad that I was crying and begging the nurse not to do it anymore. And there was so much blood! Ugh. After they were done I was able to hold my baby. I told her that I loved her and just watched her sleep. Then I slept.
The next day they moved me to a private room. Oh joy. This is where I learned that I wasn't able to do anything on my own. I had to stand up with nurses, use the bathroom with nurses, get cleaned by nurses...I'm just glad I'm not body shy because if I were that would be so embarassing! I had three visitors that day: My dad, my good friend Mare, and Jonathan's father who just couldn't get enough of Johanna!
All seemed well it really did. Then, saturday came...
Anywho, they gave me the epidural, then I freaked out. I couldn't feel my legs. Scariest.thing.evah! I don't like being that out of control. When Jonathan came in he asked me what was wrong...everything! The epidural sucked, I couldn't feel my legs, they were about to cut into me. Boo hiss boo.I'm laying down on the table and they put up the sheet. Hubby is eagerly waiting. I, on the other hand, am dry heaving! The epi was making me sick! They had to get me a pan to throw up in (which I didn't) and pump me with anti-nausea medicine, then they started the procedure. Everythign was going fine until I started blacking out a little. Then they cut me on the right side and I could feel it. I was so loopy that I had to slowly and steadily say my words "I can feel that!". After saying that 3 times hubbs assured me that the anestheseologist(sp?) was pumping me full of medicine. Then...I black out. I'm out, just done.Periodically I come to and I hear words like "this is impossible" and "fibroid". At one point I open my eyes and see the anes...yeah, that person...pulling a rope that's connected to some tool inside of me and the doctor is yelling for him to pull harder. He was now atleast 10ft behind me pulling O_o. I gladly passed back out at that point. The next time I come to I here "got her!" then I hear a little person le sigh. She le sighed! She's mine :~) Out again I go. I open my eyes and they are holding this white baby upside down. I said "Jonathan...Jonathan...why is she so white?" I have no clue what he said because I passed back out. Moments later he's saying my name and shaking me because they were showing me the baby. I say "Hi Johanna" and then knock back out. The next time I come to I'm in recovery and we have visitors! Jonathan's mom and sister Angie was there, BIL Larry, my Aunt Lola and my babies godmother Tomika. He took them to the nursery to see the new bundle of joy:
Now, we get in the room and the nurses have to press on my stomach/pelvis. No one tells you this before you have a baby. That is now officially the worse pain I've ever felt. I imagine it hurts when you've had a vaginal delivery but my God! I just had a horrid c-section! It hurt so bad that I was crying and begging the nurse not to do it anymore. And there was so much blood! Ugh. After they were done I was able to hold my baby. I told her that I loved her and just watched her sleep. Then I slept.
The next day they moved me to a private room. Oh joy. This is where I learned that I wasn't able to do anything on my own. I had to stand up with nurses, use the bathroom with nurses, get cleaned by nurses...I'm just glad I'm not body shy because if I were that would be so embarassing! I had three visitors that day: My dad, my good friend Mare, and Jonathan's father who just couldn't get enough of Johanna!
All seemed well it really did. Then, saturday came...
My Birth Story Part I: Can We Do This Another Day?
Last day of Pregnancy
On January 12, 2011 I slept in late because I had a doctors appointment that day. I thought about going to work until my doctors appointment but all the walking gave me pause. I was tired. Real tired. I had a lot of extra amniotic fluid I was carrying around and I was miserable whenever I had to do anything but lie down. Welp, I caught a cab to the doctors office and headed for my sonogram. I was in total disbelief. The baby was head down for the past 6 weeks but suddenly decided to go breech! Ugh. So I headed upstairs to see my doctor. The nurse took my blood pressure and I asked "so, is it high?". My blood pressure had been excellent the entire time, but I felt funny that day. I had the strangest headache. She said "yeah, it's really high!". Well, my doctor took a look at that and also at the fact that I suddenly had protein in my urine and sent me to the hospital. He said I needed to be monitored. I said "well, see, I hadn't really planned on having a baby today, so if could just hold off until tomorrow that would be great!". He thought I was joking. I wasn't. That didn't stop him from sending me to the hospital immediately.
My husband came and picked me up and to the hospital we went. I got there about 2:30 and into the room around 3. My blood pressure was still high but we felt confident that they were going to send me home. A doctor came in to see me and she said OMG you must be miserable! Carrying around all that fluid, you poor thing. I teared up 'cause I felt like FINALLY someone understood! During my 3rd trimester I tried hard not to complain because i'm not the first woman to have a baby, but walking 5 feet had me in pain and downright miserable! Thank God it wasn't all in my head. Because of all the extra fluid AND my blood pressure continuing to be high, she told me the chance of me walking out of there was slim to none. Ultimately it was our choice if we wanted to wait it out or get things moving. I think hubby was scared of not only there being something wrong with the baby if she wasn't ready to come out, but also of suddenly being a dad so soon. After much discussion and him having my call my aunt who's a nurse to find out what she thought, we decided to go for it. At 7:15 they started to prep me for my c-section. Having a vaginal delivery was next to impossible because there was so much room and fluid in my uterus that the baby was still doing summersaults so she probably would've ended up breach or some other weird position. So, I changed into my gown, they gave hubby his gown and pants, and off to prep I went.
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