I just finished watching a rerun of the Tyra Show about "Good Hair". It really broke my heart. So many mothers on the show were placing their own insecurities onto their daughters. I felt bad for one mother/daughter duo in particular. The mom was white and her daughter was biracial. The mother put a relaxer and weave in her daughters hair (I believe the little girl was about 8 or 9), but unbeknownst to her, the daughter didn't like it. The mom said her daughter had never told her that before. She just wanted her daughters hair to be "nice" and basically, manageable instead of spending hours trying to do it. That mother is missing out on so much. I understand that working through our natural coils can be frustrating, but it is a great bonding experience for a mother and her daughter.
Nothing can replace the time when my mother use to do my hair herself instead of sending me to the hair salon. She would sit me in the kitchen on a chair while the pressing comb heated up on the stove. Then section by section she would straighten my hair, then put the soft spongy rollers in my hair so that it would have some sort of style to it the next morning. There were also the times when she would place pillows on the floor so that I could sit between her legs as she detangled my hair, put it in ponytail holders, and twist or plait each section adding barrettes or beads to the end. Yes, it took hours, but I would talk my mothers ears off during the process and she would respond with laughter or by asking me questions. Nothing can replace that. That is such a special time.
Trust me, I know doing natural hair can often times not be easy. My mother ended up putting a kid relaxer in my hair when I was about 6 years old. My hair was curly, but as soon as humidity hit it (which DC has a lot of) POOF it went. That didn't look cute to my mother. The lady that sported a fro in the 70s didn't think it was so cute on her kid, so I got relaxed. Everything was all good until I was about 10 years old and my beautician left a relaxer on my hair too long. It not only damaged my hair, but it damaged my scalp. Til this day it is hard for me to get the front and sides of my hair to grow at all! My bangs are just past the tip of my nose and you have no idea how many years (yes, years!) it took my hair to get to that point! But I digress. My mother herself would get her hair done every two weeks, getting a relaxer every 6-8 weeks. She wasn't an expert at doing a kids hair so she did what she saw best to do.
One thing I am happy about is the fact that I decided to go natural almost two years ago. I hate getting my hair done. Abhor it. So going to the salon to get a relaxer every 8 weeks killed me. Before you knew it, I was only going like twice a year. By that time my hair simply stopped taking relaxers. It would never be straight, it would just relax my hair into waves. So, I said forget it and gave up relaxers. The journey of learning my hair has been a bumpy ride, but I honestly never wanted to give up, only improve. Now I have a routine for my natural hair. I know what needs to be done to it for it to be healthy and this makes me happy. It makes me happy because learning the patience to deal with my hair has made me confident that I will have the patience to deal with Hannie's hair.
I have zero plans of putting a relaxer in Hannie's hair. If she ever gets one it will be when she's of age (probably around 16) and strictly her choice. I am going to do what I can to make sure that she loves her natural hair, understands it, bonds with it, and has some clue as to how to style it. When I was pregnant with Johanna I thought there was a great chance that she would be a bald baby because I kind of was, so I was prepared. I had the headbands packed in the diaper bag so that folks would know she was a girl just in case she was born like me. I just had thin peach fuzz that was blond O_o. However, Hannie took after her father and had a head full of hair when she was born. I must admit that I cringed so hard whenever someone would say "look at that curly hair!". I hate hate hated the fact that the focus was on her hair. Everyone is inlove with her hair right now, but what about when it "turns". Her real hair texture won't come in until she's about 1 or 2. What are folks gonna have to say then? I cringed when I was a little girl and aunt's would say "you have a good grade of hair". I don't know why I did, but it just didn't make me feel good. It was said as if it was something to proud of, but I didn't understand why. It's just hair, right? I don't want Johanna's hair to define who she is. I want it to be healthy, I want her to take care of it, but I don't want it to be a burden for her.
I'm on a mission to raise a confident young lady. I don't want to put any of my baggage on her no matter what it is. I don't plan to force her to stay natural, or be pissed if she gets a relaxer. I want her to be the best, most authentic Johanna she can be. The world is already going to judge her; I'm determined that she won't have to face that in her own home. The term "good hair" won't be used in my household and if I hear someone else say it to her, I'll make sure to educate them on why that term isn't appropriate to use with her. Everything about her is good no matter what. Even when she's screaming like she's lost her mind she's still good, even though her behavior is not (I try to tell her this but she doesn't care, she just keeps screaming, le sigh). If she ever has self esteem issues I'm just determined to make it so that it doesn't stem from what mommy and daddy are saying at home.
~JMJsMom
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